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something slightly different

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Haha [26 Aug 2005|02:15pm]
Wow, I totally forgot about this journal. So since I'm bored at work, I've been reading a bunch of my past entries. It's really embarassing to look back and see what an asshole I was when I was 15 and 16 years old.
blow me

[08 Jul 2003|01:44am]
look at me! i'm updating! wheee!!!!


i'm unemployed, i'm single, i'm up to two packs a day.

let's see. what else. i've stopped talking to jonathan, unless you count the time he harassed me online. because you know, he can't call me like a normal person.
i've been getting drunk a lot at jae's house. and i was thrilled to learn that i tend to get naked when i get totally out of my mind smashed. go figure.
i quit taking guitar lessons, because i was tired of only learning cover songs. that's what tabs are for.

nothing else is really happening. oh. i've been listening to sublime a lot recently. my favorite song of the moment is 40 ounces to freedom.

there. now be happy.
3 suckablow me

[03 Jul 2003|05:48am]
hey check it out, i have a livejournal.
1 suckablow me

[23 Apr 2003|06:27pm]
look at me! i'm updating!

just letting people know that yes, i am still alive. and boring. so you're not missing much.
blow me

[27 Feb 2003|10:38pm]
fuck you all.

5 suckablow me

[16 Feb 2003|12:16pm]
i haven't updated this in a while. wooha.

i just wanted to let people know i'm still alive...and using blurty for my journal. so if you still feel the weird compulsion to know about my life, go there.
oh, but it's friends only. so um, nevermind.

lalala the end.
blow me

[08 Feb 2003|01:15am]

i have a headache. pity me?
blow me

[07 Feb 2003|01:41pm]
i made my journal pretty. look at it.

i basically used the same layout that i did for my blurtyjournal.
blow me

[06 Feb 2003|11:41pm]
wow. so, i got two emails from chris today. i'll share the less personal one.

2 hours of sleep in 46 hours I was actually calming down a bit going to go spend some time talking to jennifer just to get it all hashed out on the way over my dad was telling me how he was concerned wqith me how I have been acting eating shit like that then all of a sudden he gets really into it i am just sitting and listening the he is like you know I hate to get into your personnal life but I can't stand it anymore people keep coming up to me and telling me jason is going around saying he slept with my ex with she was still my girlfriend my heart dropped I could feel my pulse in my toes and lips if my dad wasn't there and the lack of sleep I would have gone slam offI am fucking moving away from here I can take all this he said she said bullshit I am leaving I would ask if you wanted to come but you have a good life ahead of you I have to start over if I want any chance well I just want to say I really realy like you your a cool chick and see you around
so he's leaving. in the second email, he told me "dont bother looking for me or trying to call me or email me because ill be gone by the time you get home from school i just dont want to fuck you up because i dont know i fuck up everrything"

apparently i'm not worth enough to him. so i wrote him a nice little email, just in case he might read it.

um. i'm still trying to make sense of that.
well, if you're leaving, then bye? i don't know. i want to pretend like i don't care, but i do. it just seems kind of fucked up to me. not just you, but everything. i would go with you, you know. to get away from all the bullshit that is happening here.
i'd tell you about it, but you have your own problems to deal with. obviously.
i don't know what to say. i don't want you to leave, but apparently you've already made up your mind.
of course, you said you'd be gone by now, so who knows if you'll even get this?
well, it was interesting. if you feel like coming over again in another, oh, say two years...i'll probably still be the same fucked up kid that i was before.
no wait. don't even bother coming over. because i don't want to see you again. i could handle it the FIRST TIME you decided to disappear for two years and then randomly show up on my doorstep again. but shit. i really fucking thought you cared about me this time. but what do i know? obviously, not much, since i thought i could trust you. I CARED ABOUT YOU!!! do you know how hard that is for me to admit??? i told you about all the shit that has gone on in the past year for me. and you said you understood, that you would never hurt me like that.
fuck it. i don't feel like wasting anymore effort on you.
don't call. don't write. and don't show up at my house expecting me to fall in love with you again.


just a warning. DO NOT piss me off.
when i get upset, i don't get depressed and try to kill myself.
i take it out on everyone around me.
so if you make me mad, i will seriously slaughter you.
3 suckablow me

[02 Feb 2003|11:32pm]
someone finally figured me out!

ximxaxsporkx: haha wow, i just found a perfect example of my relationship with most of my guy friends. jonny esque: actually, i do. I LOVE SCHOOL
jonny esque: i get a hardon every time i walk into the building
ximxaxsporkx: wow, you too?
zaftig zealot: hahaha
zaftig zealot: that's great
zaftig zealot: almost everything I say with most of my friends is offensive to some group or minority of some kind
zaftig zealot: hahaha
ximxaxsporkx: almost everything i say has something to do with my imaginary penis that they all swear that i have
zaftig zealot: hahaha omg you're insane i love you so much
zaftig zealot: haha
ximxaxsporkx: i'm completely insane
ximxaxsporkx: i think that's why everyone either loves me or hates me
zaftig zealot: I've always loved that
zaftig zealot: haha
blow me

[02 Feb 2003|09:43pm]
blow me

[01 Feb 2003|07:28am]
[ mood | awake ]

let's have three cheers for INFIDELITY!!

so last night was my "date" with nathan.
i believe it was all a setup. but whatever.

i met him at Fridays in Central Park. while we were standing outside waiting for a table, magically two of his friends showed up. Bryan and George.

so we all sat together, because, things like this happen to me. we all talk and have fun. when we were done, it was like, 9:30. nathan claimed he had to be home at 10, so he left. bryan said he wanted to go too, so he left. me and george kinda stood there for a second. then he looked at me, and was like "i don't wanna go home yet. do you want to do something?" "sure!"
so we drove around in my super cool jeep and smoked cigarettes and talked. we went to target, borders, and wal mart. target closed on us, so we didn't get to hang out there much. we looked at the sex books in borders. he was fascinated with MY fascination with bondage. and the fact that i like girls. then we went to wal mart and looked at video games and made fun of people. then we sat in my jeep in the parking lot and talked until like, midnight. it was one of the greatest conversations i've ever had. plus, the fact that i had just met him....i never really get into conversations with people i don't know. i'm normally shy. but it was really easy to talk to him.
so then i drove him back to the fridays parking lot so he could get his car. he started acting kindof shy at this point.
"is nathan your boyfriend?"
"ok. can i have your phone number?"
basically, i gave him my number.
and then he kissed me on the cheek, which was so cute, because, well, it's so oldfashioned and i'm used to guys just attacking me or something. haha. but it was nice.

and now, in about an hour, i'm leaving to go to chris's house so we can go skiing.

does anyone else see something wrong with this picture?

2 suckablow me

the only way to get there's to go straight down. [30 Jan 2003|11:20pm]
[ mood | confused ]

so, damn. i suck.

amanda and i had open mic night tonight. we played "tomorrow" by silverchair.

1. it's always harder to concentrate when your attractive ex-boyfriend is standing no more than 5 feet away staring at you and grinning.
2. it always fucks you up when you immediately screw up in the first measure or so.
3. concentrating on 3 things at the same time (guitar, singing, distortion pedal) is WAY harder than it looks.
4. you always forget your solo as soon as you get onstage.

at least that's the way it was for me.

i wanted to kiss nathan. but i restrained myself. because i have a boyfriend. and nathan tends to fuck with my emotions anyway. bah.

we went to Greek House after for dinner, and there was really horrible mexican music playing on the jukebox. i wanted to shoot myself.

i skipped school after lunch with jonny-than. we went to Borders to look at the sex books. then we went to the movies and watched "Darkness Falls". which reminds me, i owe him $5.50. but the movie sucked. and there were these cool "punk" girls sitting behind us that we made fun of the whole time. we almost died twice when i drove him home. he was scared. teehee.

saturday i'm going skiing with chris.
"i'm so excited. it feels like christmas is coming. i can't wait to spend a whole day with you." -chris.
damn i love that kid. when he's not fucking with me.

nicole's list of boys:
shit man. i need to figure something out here. valentines day is coming. and i'm scared.
what do boys want for v-day? i don't want to buy chris condoms, because i want to hold out on the whole sex thing for a little while longer. what else would he want? none of my male friends have been any help.
"Kurt, what would you want for valentines day? I need to buy my boyfriend something."
"No you don't. You're my valentine this year."
"So...for his present I should tell him 'fuck off i want Kurt'?"
that didn't help me much at all.


blow me

[28 Jan 2003|07:40pm]
my life just keeps going downhill, and i have no way to stop it.

i got fired today. no specific reason. i called in sick yesterday so i could visit chris. and they were like "we need someone who is more dependable." what the fuck? i've been there longer than most of them! argh. so now i get to go out and find a new job. i'm not looking forward to it at all.

chris sent me a "sorry" email. whatever. i just need someone right now. i need to feel important, and loved, and just...i don't know. i haven't felt that in a while.

i had a less than pleasing conversation with someone today. and i still feel hurt from it.

open mic night on thursday. hooray. we're gonna suck.
blow me

what now? [26 Jan 2003|09:31pm]
[ mood | crushed ]

i'd cry, if i wasn't so exhausted.
i went over to chris's house today. he lost his liscence,so he couldn't come here. long story.
we hung out, which makes me happy. but, he was not...all there. he kept talking about his ex-girlfriend. and he even showed me a fucking picture of her (she's gorgeous, of course) and the whole time i'm just staring off into space, trying not to feel hurt by this.
so then we went for a drive. we ended up in charlottesville somehow. so we went to his sister's boyfriend's house, which is right by UVA. we hung out there for a while, and he even referred to me as his girlfriend, which was surprising.
then we went out to dinner, which was almost romantic. we had this long talk about relationships. about halfway through, i realized something. i'm his fucking rebound chick. he doesn't "want a serious relationship." he's still too hung up on his ex. WELL FUCK ME. i actually fucking opened up to him. i started this whole thing with the hopes that maybe it could be serious. because i'm actually ready for it. now that i'm fucking ready to be serious, and i've found someone who i could potentially love, he's "not ready". ALKG:IOUHEWRIUHGLWUR.
i never have this problem. it's always the opposite way around. and it really fucking hurts.

do you care if i
don't know what to say
will you sleep tonight
will you think of me
will i shake this off
pretend it's all ok
that there's someone out there
who feels just like me?

i heard that song on the radio on the drive home, and i could have cried, if i wasn't a heartless bitch.
i had a dream about nathan last night. that he wrote a song about me. and he was famous and it was on the radio all the time, and nobody knew who it was about except for him and me.

i'm turning into a hopeless romantic.
or maybe i'm just hopeless.

1 suckablow me

[25 Jan 2003|06:48pm]
fantastic. my hair is so brittle i could probably snap a piece of it off.

i bleached it, then dyed it pink. the result was NOT pretty. so i fixed it. by dying it again. it's more or less the natural color now. but my hair is completely fried. hooray.

i had a whole conversation with chris about hair. i dunno why. but it was super.

damn. my throat hurts a lot. i don't know if i'm sick or i just need a cigarette. most likely it's the latter.

i need to make out NOW.
blow me

[24 Jan 2003|11:25pm]

i wrecked the jeep tonight.

ok, that's a little overdramatic. i dented the front bumper of the jeep. but it scared the shit out of me.
i was pulling out of a parking space at the Cavalier (picking up my brother) and all of a sudden i hear ::CRUNNNCCCHHH!:: so i stop, look, and see that the front end of my car is in the back end of some shitty little volvo.


chris is coming over on sunday. i'm half expecting him to not show up. like nathan.
blow me

[24 Jan 2003|01:08am]
damn i am bored.

me and chris are going out on sunday. fun stuff.
survey thingCollapse )
blow me

[22 Jan 2003|06:39pm]
i'm falling asleep while sitting up. i'm that enthused.

yesterday amanda and i hung out. i think. yeah. i forget what we did. oh yeah. we skipped school. BAM. but it was snowing, so i had a sorta excuse, and amanda just kindof came with me. fun stuff. then i went to work, which was boring as usual. BUT JEREMY'S COMING BACK! i was outside having a cigarette break, and jeremy walked up and started talking to me, and he was removing all of his piercings, so i asked him why he was doing so. "i have a meeting with the new manager to see if i can get my job back". SCORE. so anyway. i finished my cigarette, jeremy left, i went inside. the dude told me i could leave. fucka. so i'm driving along, lala. i see jeremy on the side of the road.
"get in."
"i'm fine."
"no, it's fucking freezing. i'm driving you home."
i should explain that he got his liscence taken away.
so yes, that was exciting. not.
today i slept. and then i went to the library with amanda to study for chemistry. then we went to ihop like cool kids and ate and had fun. i came home, and i found THREE emails from chris. two were short, one was long.
1: he broke up with his girlfriend.
2: he's really confused.
3: he likes me a lot. he doesn't know what to do. he doesn't want to get hurt. he really likes me. he's fucked up.
i get to deal with a headcase.

fun fun fun.
5 suckablow me

[21 Jan 2003|10:02pm]
wow, i so wish my life was exciting.

so um, i can't remember when i last updated... probably sunday. so i'll start from monday.

monday was kindof boring. i had nothing to do. i was sitting in the basement, eating cookies and watching "Memento" when suddenly i hear "NICOLE, ARE YOU DECENT?" and down comes chris. so i was like "er, hi?" and he just grinned really big and was like "i broke up with my girlfriend today".
so me and him and his roommate jason hung out all of that night. jason is super cool. i liked him. i approve of him. he was like, the punkrock version of chris. chris is very grungy. anyway..
so we end up at the mall, and we're just kindof walking around. so chris decides he wants to get his haircut. so we wander into this hair-cutting-place-thing. chris and jason both decide they want their hair cut. they try to pursuade me to do something, but i chose to keep my hair.
so...chris decides he wants a white boy afro. dear god. while he was getting all permed or whatever, me and jason hung out. he's a cool kid. i could potentially like him, if i wasn't dating his best friend/roommate. i felt so cool walking around with two hot guys, though.
anyway, so chris gets an afro, and jason gets his hair cut all short and spikey. jason looks good, chris looks like poodle. i could not stop laughing. i think it made him feel bad. but i couldn't help it. i made sure to pet his head a lot before the afro.
so then we decide to go bowling. again. whatever. jason is even more super bowling man than chris. although chris LET ME WIN even though he swears he didn't. whatever, it was fun. at one point, chris went to the bathroom, and me and jason were just sitting there smoking a cigarette, and jason just kind of gives me this weird look.
"chris liiiiiikes you."
"yeah, i kindof figured that."
"he really liiiiiikes you."
"he loooooooooves you."
"do you like him?"
"a loooooot?"
it was cute. so we bowl, all is fine, they drop me off. chris walks me inside. my dad comes upstairs, looks like he's about to bite my head off (it's like, 11:30 at this point). he opens his mouth to yell at me, then looks at chris's hair, bursts into laughter, and returns to his room.
chris: "I am Fromeo."
me: "What does that make me?"
chris: "...Fruliet?"
teehee. nicole is happy.
blow me

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